Ngangi held my gaze for some time, long enough that I began to squirm under his stern eye. Discerning my Clan high Leader’s motives or mood was always difficult.
Ngangi finally said, “You should not have resisted me. I could have made you happy.”
I almost laughed but controlled the urge. There was no happiness in our world. No man could provide that no matter how charming he was. I’d never really considered Ngangi pleasant or desirable. The way he had forcefully tried to take me years ago had backfired on him. I’d run from him and avoided him after that.
Ngangi’s promise of happiness was like a darting sparrow or fluttering butterfly. Although it may land for a moment, soon it flits away and only despair remains. As long as Casimer rules the farrins, the thousands of land masses throughout this world, misery and hopelessness will also continue to reign supreme. By the very fact that Ngangi was sharing his heart with me informed me that he didn’t expect me to survive my visit to Tarmon Farrin. It was unheard of to enter the mist surrounding Tarmon and ever return. He probably believed his confession of desire was safe with my imminent demise.
I said, “You had already offered to cover Boyana. The whole clan knew of this.”
“I would have chosen you over her. Surely you knew this.”
“Boyana would have killed me out of jealousy and besides, you’re so much older.”
“What does age matter? I always felt that we belonged together.” The intensity of his stare unnerved me.
“Forcing the matter was not wise.” I was speaking of him overtaking me by surprise, when I suspected he would have raped me if I hadn’t pulled a knife on him.
“I’d wanted you for too long. I couldn’t bear it anymore.”
“I could have killed you that day.”
“But you didn’t.” He pulled his leather tunic up to show the scar on his chest. “You left me with a reminder instead. It’s close to my heart, the place you still own.”
“Don’t!” I warned.
“Why not? Boyana’s not here. She’d never have to know.”
“I can’t.”
“Why? You’re not covered by any man.”
“I’m not a whore.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“That’s what you’re suggesting I become.”
I’d never wanted a man, to bear children doomed to destruction. There was too much grief in that. Staying single and focusing on becoming the best warrior I could be seemed more beneficial for my future. The path I’d chosen seemed safer and less painful. Even if I’d chosen a man or allowed one to cover me, there was no guarantee that I’d have children that would survive to adulthood. So I was alone and preferred it that way.
Ngangi stood and approached, stopping a foot in front of me. My every nerve was on edge, anticipating him overtaking me and helping himself to what he wanted. He could if he really tried. He was much stronger and bigger than I. Even my knife wouldn’t be able to fend him off for too long. I’d be able to cause some damage but I was convinced he’d be able to outmaneuver me. I’d seen him in battle and he was strong and violent.
“I’m suggesting a favor before you die. What happens between us will stay between us. You will go to your grave a hero. Anyone who agrees to travel into the mist will be considered such.”
I backed up a step and said, “Don’t ask this of me. I’m planning on returning. What will you do then?”
“If you return, I will want to see you again.”
It’s just as I’d suspected. He wanted me as his mistress.
“And if I’d get pregnant? How would we explain that?”
“I’d take care of you.”
“I’m a warrior. I don’t need the complications. I don’t want a child.”
“But do you want me?”
The vulnerability he was allowing was glaring. It shocked me. If I used this against him he’d hate me more.
“I’ve never wanted any man. I don’t need the heartache.”
“It might ease your heartache. To be alone is not good.”
He was right. I was lonely but I didn’t think a man could change that. “I don’t mind being alone.”
“You’re lying.”
“My answer is still no.”
Disappointment clouded his eyes but he nodded. “All right, Xiomara. You win this time. But if and when you return, I can’t promise another offer like this. To be my woman would give you standing and privilege.”
“It would only give me an early grave. Boyana would see to it. She’d kill me in my sleep.”
Ngangi smiled. “I could see to it that she dies in the war.”
I turned toward the door and said, “I need to go.”
His smile vanished. “I’ll send you some meat for you to celebrate your departure with your friends.”
His offer was extremely generous. He’d never sent meat to my home before. Perhaps he hoped his gesture would change my mind.
“Thank you.” I then opened his door and stepped outside.
The wind pummeled me. I pulled my goggles down over my eyes and walked toward my home. To have Ngangi open up and be so honest about his feelings moved me. I’d always known he had his sights on me. But Boyana deserved better. She’d stayed with him through all these years, provided children for him. That she was also a mighty warrior brought her much respect in the clan.
I walked for a few minutes when I sensed someone coming up from behind. In one motion, I grabbed my knife from my back, swung around and lunged forward. Boyana stepped back just in time but pulled her own weapon from her sheath, a long two-edged sword and held it out to stop me, forcing me to move back to avoid it.
Boyana said, “Put your weapon away or else I’ll take your head off!”
Breathing heavily, I kept a firm grip on my knife and stared at her. I’d send the knife flying through the air into her heart before she’d ever have the chance of touching me with her sword. I had numerous other knives stashed in my clothing. If the first one missed, the others wouldn’t.
“What were you doing in my home with Ngangi?”
I stared at her, not surprised that she knew. Boyana had eyes everywhere and stayed abreast of what was happening in the clan. I often thought that she should have been the High Leader of our Akoni Clan. She’d do a more thorough and complete job.
I said, “He asked me to come and discuss something.”
“Discuss? Admit it! You were seducing him!”
“No I was not.”
“No one crosses me and lives.”
“So why would I try?”
Boyana said, “Either you’re stupid or simply needy.”
“I don’t need anyone, especially not Ngangi.”
She stared at me in anger. “What did you discuss?”
I debated telling her but I’d promised Ngangi that I wouldn’t speak of the dream to anyone except my friends.
“What is this?” I heard Ahiga ask from behind me.
I noticed him step up to my right. “Boyana thinks I went to see Ngangi with impure motives.”
Ahiga turned his gaze to Boyana. “I instructed Xiomara to go speak with Ngangi. It concerns night visions. There is danger in the air and Ngangi needed to know of it.”
Boyana turned her fierce gaze to me again. “Who is having night visions?”
“I can’t speak of it,” I said.
“You will tell me!” she insisted.
“Ngangi forbids it,” I said.
Ahiga said, “Don’t force her, Boyana. I will defend her.”
Boyana’s face turned a deeper shade of red. “This is treason! I am the coverling of the High Leader! I deserve to know.”
Ahiga said, “Then go speak to Ngangi and ask him.”
With a huff of anger, Boyana returned her sword to her scabbard, turned on her heel and left for her home. We watched her walk away, yank open the front door to Ngangi’s house, step inside and slam it shut. The wind blotted out the sound of their voices within.
I turned toward Ahiga and said, “Thank you for defending me.”
He stared at me. “I’m curious. What did Ngangi say?”
I told Ahiga only what he needed to know, that I was going to visit Tarmon Farrin in two days. He looked shocked at the information. I added, “You can’t tell anyone else of this.”
“I won’t.”
“Ngangi forbade me to speak of it.” But I knew that Ngangi would tell the leadership eventually and Ahiga deserved to know after he diffused Boyana’s rage.
Ahiga nodded. “All right.”
He walked off and I continued on to find my friends. I couldn’t stop thinking of my impending visit to Tarmon Farrin. I hadn’t felt this much anticipation about anything for a long, long time. I didn’t know what I’d see there or what the summoning was about but finally the mystery and fascination over the feared farrin would lose its hold and give way to understanding. At least I hoped that’s what it would accomplish.
I first went to see Tilly. I told her I had something to share and asked her to come with me to find Viveka. They both needed to hear it at the same time. As we neared Viveka’s home we saw her coming from the direction of the western mountain range. She’d been hunting and carried her kill, a few snakes, a rabbit and a sea gull. I wondered how she’d managed to nab the bird. They were hard to trap.
She greeted us and welcomed us inside. Sitting around her table, I shared the tale of the night visions. They were both unusually quiet as they stared open-mouthed at me, shock in their eyes. When I relayed to them that Ngangi had spoken with me and given me permission to go in two days time, the look on their faces told me they were grieving my loss already.
“I believe I’ll return again,” I assured them.
“How can you say that?” asked Tilly. “We both know the dangers involved. No one ever returns from Tarmon!” She looked frantic.
“No one has tried it in as long as anyone can remember,” I said, trying to reassure them.
Viveka said, “We can’t lose you.”
“I don’t think you will.”
“But what if we do?” asked Viveka. “I can’t bear that thought.”
We’d been friends for a long time, since childhood. We’d trained together, did everything together. They were loners like me, except Tilly played around on the side, fulfilling some needs from time to time. She didn’t mind not being covered, preferred it actually. She’d never been pregnant and was glad of it. We all agreed that bearing children would simply result in greater disappointment and grief.
Viveka focused all her energy on battle strategy and warrior skills. We still enjoyed battle practice, pushing each other toward constant improvement. Tilly was also a strong warrior but her attention was less devoted to the skill.
“Ngangi said he’d send over some meat so that we could celebrate my going.”
Viveka said, “It won’t be a celebration but an early mourning ritual.”
Tilly nodded in agreement. “And why would Ngangi be so generous? Does he still have his eye on you?”
“No,” I lied. I didn’t need rumors starting. Boyana would hear of them and her jealousy would soar even more.
Viveka looked at Tilly. “Hasn’t he come to you?”
Tilly said, “I don’t know what you mean.”
It made me smile. Tilly was a terrible liar.
Viveka turned back to me and asked, “If the night visions came last night, why wait two days before going?”
“Those were the instructions I heard in my dream and also what Ngangi has suggested. I will not oppose our High Leader. Besides, he believes that Casimer’s cronies will visit our farrin soon. He doesn’t want me leaving before they come. They’ll know that I’m missing and will demand to know why.”
“Do they really know that much about each of us?” asked Tilly.
“The Tonrar accompany Casimer’s warriors and they always do a secret census. They’ll know immediately if someone is absent.”
“What if someone dies between their visits? Do they know this?” asked Viveka.
“If the numbers on their lists don’t match, Casimer’s warriors question the clan leadership until everyone is accounted for, whether the missing person is buried in a grave, lost at sea or killed in a skirmish.”
Tilly shuddered. “I hate it when they visit.”
Viveka said, “We all do. There’s such an overwhelming heaviness that descends with their coming.”
I warned, “We shouldn’t speak of this. What if the Tonrar have come early and are listening in?”
Viveka said, “Then they already know of your planned visit to Tarmon and you’re doomed.”
I agreed. “Then let’s hope they’re not here yet.”
Both girls nodded.
“We’d feel their presence if they were around,” said Viveka.
“Yes, that’s true,” I agreed.
I then discussed if they’d be willing to travel with me as far as the mist. After some discussion, with me trying to still their fear, they finally agreed to do it. We also decided to have our goodbye celebration the next day, in the cool evening hours, the day before I traveled into the mist of Tarmon.
I stood and said, “I need to go home. I should be there when Ngangi’s gift comes.”
Tilly’s eyebrows rose. “Do you think he’ll deliver it personally?”
“No. He’ll have one of his farmers bring it.” I had no clue how it would come but it seemed like a safe answer. I hoped Ngangi wouldn’t come after dark and expect repayment.
They both hugged me and I left. My walk home was filled with worry over Ngangi showing up unexpected late at night.
